Challenge of the Week: 5 Options for approaching a relationship where you’re the only one ready to go to the next level

relationship

Print Me!
/Following Challenge of the Week is a former “Challenge 14: What to do when you are the only one in your relationship ready to get to the next level”/

Dear Alice,

We will start with reminding our readers your Challenge :

I’m in a 5 years long relationship with my boyfriend and we are living together for 3,5 years. We are both a bit over 30 and we have had a good relationship so far, although I feel like I’m the mature one. I always take care of our vacation and organize other things; he on the other hand never seems to have enough money and is mainly into playing football which is his passion.

I am ready to bring the relationship to next level and have a family

So lately I’ve talked  to him about getting engaged, having a child and maybe buying a house(currently we are renting). Although he always said he wants to have children he doesn’t have any initiative, there is only talk and no action. He also doesn’t seem to hurry to propose – he gives me excuses like “I want to do it in front of your family” And about the house, he said he would talk with landlord regarding  the possibilities but haven’t done it yet and it’s been weeks since he said he’ll do it… And did I mention that he has no savings?

So the conversation didn’t go so well.

I got frustrated and stopped talking to him (and now he is upset with me for that). I told him that when he will finally figure out what is his plan for life, he should let me know. I don’t want to press him for engagement as he will most probably point it out till the rest of our lives that “I forced” him to get married with me, but then again, I don’t want to wait any longer.

I thought we were a good couple, people always said he seemed to be so in love with me.

But lately I don’t feel it’s the same anymore. For example, I don’t remember when was the last time I’ve received flowers or a little gift from him.

So now I’m waiting for him to make up his mind, but honestly if he is not on the same page with me soon, I am ready to end this relationship even if I don’t want to.

Do you have any advice for me in this situation?

 

First of all, thank you for sharing your challenge with us!

It seems like you’ve already taken the matter into your own hands by expressing to your boyfriend what you want, and now you wait for him to “make up his mind”. We have to admit that it is a rather typical way of how “these things go” and usually there is a resolution to the problem (after all, he will have to make up his mind at one point), it’s just a pity that there is no communication between the two of you in the meantime. Talking openly and honestly, yet calmly and confidently about your expectations could have been very valuable in this case, but many times when emotions run high, we tend to get upset and frustrated and we don’t want to have constructive discussions anymore.

As we have noticed in your challenge description, you are really ready to take the relationship to the next level yet the other interesting (and quite striking) impression that we’ve got, was that you are not very satisfied with the relationship, to begin with. I remember that when I was reading it for the first time, the question that crossed my mind was:

 

Why do you want to get married to him in a first place?

You are pointing out a couple of things about your boyfriend that you don’t appreciate: that he’s not good with money and has no savings and that he’s not romantic. You feel like “the mature one”, who handles most of the things in the relationship and we can obviously read some feelings of frustration and disappointment between the lines. So I guess you can understand why are we wondering “why would you like to “tie the knot”  with someone who you are not very satisfied with?”

Do you hope that things will “solve themselves” once you are engaged? Or maybe you are so focused on his proposal (or the lack of it) that you are not thinking about it yet? And why do you even want to get married in a first place?

Shifting the focus

What we would like to propose to you Alice is to shift your attention a little. Instead of being preoccupied with the thought “Will he or will he not propose?” we would like to ask YOU why do you want to be married to him? I guess you have some answer to it, but in order to approach it thoughtfully, we have prepared this week’s “The Mother of all Questions”: What do you really want from a relationship? And not necessarily from a relationship with the man you are with now, but in general.

So today we have a little hybrid solution for you: One question (The Mother) and Four Options that you can choose from, once you answer. Are you ready?

Please read your Options and listen to the Podcast below:

 

Ep12 Five Options for approaching relationship where you’re the only one ready to go to the next level

  1. (Option 1) The Mother of All Questions: What do I want from my perfect relationship?
  2. Option 2: Work out your issues first
  3. Option 3: Put a ring on it
  4. Option 4: Take a break
  5. Option 5: Leave him

 

 

Option 1 from 5 options     Option 2 from 5 Options     Option 3 from 5 options     Option 4 from 5 Options     Option 5 from 5 Options

 

We hope that you’ve made your decision Alice! Please let us know what did you choose and we wish you all the luck in your relationship!

 

Much Love,

Anna&Marta