/Following Challenge of the Week is a former “Challenge 8: How to cope with an intrusive admirer?“/
And thank you for sharing your challenge with us!
We can totally relate to your situation, in fact – it is not that uncommon. Sooner or later in life, most of us have to cope with an intrusive admirer, and that can turn someone’s daily existence into a nightmare… Not only we have some experience in this topic, but we also heard a lot of stories from other girls (and boys) regarding their painful experiences with the persistent adoration.
So – dear Tetra – we are certain, that you will find your solution below. But before we go there, let’s recall your challenge again.
So, your challenge was:
I have a stalker, kinda.
A guy from my class is acting weird. He’s bringing me chocolate and my favourite beer whenever I mention something while speaking to others.
He signed up to the gym because he saw I was going there. He likes pages on Facebook that I like (therefore he will probably read this post). He wants to walk me home from school all the time.
What do I do?
I can’t just stop talking to him, because he’s my classmate, we work on assignments together all the time… But this is all getting too annoying.
The Theory of Stalking: Dobler or Dahmer?
“There’s a fine line between love and insanity
If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: like Dobler holding up the boombox at Diane window in “Say anything”
BUT if one person isn’t into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: or Dahmer.”
Dobler is a main character in a romantic movie that all the audience cheers for; Dahmer was a serial killer named by police “Milwaukee Cannibal” – I guess you can understand the difference.
So the first thing we are trying to point out here (and to calm you down a little, as we sense that you feel really uncomfortable with all the attention you are receiving right now) is that the gestures of your admirer are only creepy if you see them as such.
Imagine that this guy is someone that you actually like. Would the situation bother you then? Would you be annoyed or rather flattered by the chocolates and the beers? Would you freak out at the gym, seeing him there, or would you rather be ecstatically happy that “the destiny” brought you both together?
For the time being his behaviour is not alarming yet; it is just plain annoying.
How did we end up with these 5 Options?
The following 5 Options were selected while having discussions with lots of people, who either were in this situation or just had an opinion about your challenge.
In a nutshell – these are authentic advises from anonymous advisers 🙂
Before we get to 5 Options, here are some “Notable Mentions”
Although not selected as one of 5 main Options, the advices below are worth to mention:
1.The Mercedes approach: Next time he brings you a chocolate or a beer, mention you like Mercedes. If he doesn’t get the hint, tell him you WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HAVE A MERCEDES. If he indeed gets you one, consider him as a husband
2. The Wishlist Approach: Make a list of requirements/wishes that you would like to have fulfilled. Daily laundry and ironing. Jewellery. Shoes. Dog walking. YOU NAME IT. If he cannot fulfil it, stop talking to him immediately and permanently.
3. Who’s the stalker Theory: Consider if it’s not you who is the stalker. Is there a possibility that he was already going to the gym that you have sign up to? Maybe he had the chocolate with him for different reasons, and when you mentioned you like it, he felt somehow obliged to give it to you in order to be polite? Maybe he lives close to you and feels like it’s you who is following him home?
4. The “kiss the guy” Approach: If you spot him AGAIN at the gym, go to the biggest badass guy there is, and kiss him passionately – making sure that your “admirer” sees it. This sends a double message: You are into “big packed guys” and you are also slightly “coo-coo”
Read for the Main 5 Options? Let’s go:
Option 1: The raging bull strategy: Approach him head on
One of my friends’ advice was just approach the guy head on and tell him to back off.
You don’t need to act nicely and politely; at the very first sign of him doing the same “creepy” thing again, you just burst out and tell him to STOP.
To stop bringing you little gifts. To stop proposing to walk you home. To stop following you to the gym.
Risk is, you may come out as a little crazy yourself.
When I was trying to explain to my friend – who was an author of this Option – that you may not be entirely sure if a guy is truly interested or just super (and weirdly) friendly, her answer was straight to the point:
“SO WHAT? She will get rid of him, won’t she?”
That is a really strong argument, right?
Option 2: Go for a friendly yet direct conversation
In order to go for this option, you need to “grow your lady balls” – it will require some courage and managing the awkwardness but from what we have heard (and tried), this could be the most effective solution from all of the Options. It is somehow a polite and friendly version of Option 1.
Next time he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you ask him for a talk. Explain to him that gestures/gifts like this make you feel uncomfortable and you would like him to stop from now on. It is also an opportunity to tell him directly that you are not interested in him and let him down firmly yet easily.
Most people I’ve talked to were choosing this Option; yet almost everyone admitted that the difficult part is the honesty. This Option puts you in an uncomfortable position, where you may embarrass someone and hurt his feelings, but if you do it right, your challenge will be solved. Plus you will increase your chances to maintain a nice atmosphere in your assignment group in the future.
Option 3: Use the “Boyfriend Card”
Next time he’s around you – trying to give you a gift or walk you home – mention your boyfriend.
We don’t know if you have one, but that doesn’t really matter. You can either get one, ask a brother/friend to pretend to be your boyfriend or invent one. The thing is, you don’t need the boyfriend “physically” – you just need to talk about him. As much as possible.
For instance, lately, one of my good friends was telling me that there is a man at work who invites her out regularly. But as she feels kind of awkward, the only thing she does is dodging the invitations using “the lack of time” excuse, and hoping he will get the point (btw most of people don’t get the point 😉 ). So I’ve advised her, that next time he invites her out to the cinema, she should respond: “Oh…I was actually planning to see this movie with my boyfriend. But I can ask him, and maybe you would like to join us?”
Try to smuggle “the boyfriend” into a conversation every single time you talk with him
He gets you a beer? “Oh, that’s my boyfriend’s favourite, thank you!”
He walks you home? “Oh, sorry I’m going to meet my boyfriend now, so I’m going the other way”.
He comes to your gym again? Check again our “Notable Mention” Number 4
This should be rather effective. And discourage him for good.
Option 4: Get interested in someone else – regardless if it’s real or imaginary
This Option can be a very good “substitute” for Option 3, in case if for some reason you can’t or don’t want to appear to be in a relationship. Maybe there is someone at University that you actually like? Or maybe you just want to keep your options open and stay available, in case someone interesting appears on the horizon?
Regardless of your reasons, the solution here is simple: hang out with another guy(s) or – if there is no one interesting around – start to make remarks about “the cute guys” you have seen here and there.
The whole purpose of this approach is to look interested into everyone else but your intrusive admirer. Not only should he get the point, but his ego may kick in as well. After all, showering a girl – who appears to be interested in other guys – with gifts, sounds and looks plain stupid. Any a guy with a bit of a pride and male ego should stop immediately.
Option 5: Ask someone else to deliver a message
You go to the same University, right? That means you have some common friends/colleagues. Use that fact and try to deliver the message to him via other people.
You can either ask someone directly to talk with a guy, and tell him that you are feeling a bit awkward with all this attention, or – if you don’t have that trusted person yet – you can just mention from time to time to other colleagues how “weird out” you feel by his advances.
People love to gossip so sooner or later he will get that message from someone. And most probably he will get embarrassed and leave you alone.
Tetra, we hope you’ve enjoyed your Options!
And that you got inspired on how to solve this situation. It would be great if you dropped us an email or message via Contact Form to let us know how it went 🙂 Good Luck dear!